Kids and Social Graces

Dear Miss Faith,  My daughter (age 2.75) takes a really long time to warm up in social situations, and seems to feel easily overwhelmed by kids with big energy, even to the point of growling at other kids.  It seems like she’s so shy and I’m worried that won’t be ready for preschool.  What can I do to help her?

Dear Mama,

First of all, I want to encourage you not to worry.  Traditionally preschool/kindergartens started when children were three-and-a-half, and there’s a reason for that: the time from age 2 to 3.5 is one of enormous growth in the social arena.  During that time, children tend to be very interested in social interactions, but they just don’t have the skills in place yet.  Toddlers your daughter’s age are just starting to learn social graces.  The world is a big place, and social interactions are very complex, and it takes a lot of practice for it to come easily and go well!

Toddlers Don’t Yet Have the Filters Created by Social Graces

At 2.75 years old, your daughter is just learning the social graces (like not to growl at children who overwhelm her, for example).   For most children that age, the extended practice needed to create social habits hasn’t happened yet, so their temperaments come through very strongly, without the filters that are created through practice and social graces.  Some children need to watch for a long time (your daughter may be one of these).  Some children have the urge to give a death-grip hug everyone that they meet, and need to learn to watch other people’s reactions and back off when they overwhelm others.  Alternately, I’ve had several children (both boys and girls) who will see a younger child and immediately walk over and push them over.  It’s like they are magnetically drawn to do it.  Although all of these traits tend to freak parents out, I want to tell them all not to worry.

I don’t want to say that these traits mean nothing, but I think that they mean a lot less than parents often seem to fear.  That first child will not necessarily grow up to be shy.  The hugger won’t necessarily grow up to be needy and co-dependent.  The pusher won’t necessarily grow up to be a bully, even if he consistently pushes over children who are smaller than he is. Not only will they not necessarily grow up that way, but they probably won’t even be that way in two or three years!  Remember what I said about preschool programs traditionally starting at age 3.5?

Supporting Children’s Social Growth

Our job as parents and caregivers is to figure out how to interpret children’s impulses in ways that are positive and growth-oriented, and then help children learn the social skills that they need.

  • For that “shy” child, it seems to me that viewing strangers (or even known people that have big energy) with caution before joining in is both normal and reasonable, especially if you think of it from an evolutionary standpoint, where it was important for young children not to run into danger.  We can support her to watch and then step in when she’s ready, and to creates spaces for herself that are a little protected from the big energy of others.
  • For the hugger, we can recognize his impulse to express affection, and teach him how to do it in ways that others enjoy, by watching carefully for their reactions.
  • For our pusher, he is clearly drawn to those who are smaller than he is.  Once he can control/manage his impulses, he will be able to engage with those other children in more constructive ways.  In the meantime, perhaps we can channel his urge to push into “construction” projects, where being big and strong is something that we can admire in him.

Once we see what a child needs, we can help them learn these skills by putting them into situations that stretch them just a LITTLE. Vygotsky, the famous Russian child development theorist, talks about how children learn new skills when they interact with someone who can help them operate in their “zone of proximal development”.  This is the area that’s just slightly beyond what they could do on their own, but where they can do it with just a little bit of help. This type of help can come from other children (esp. children who are a bit older than the child) or from a loving adult.  So if chldren feel stretched just a little, and are supported by us or others who will help them navigate the waters as they practice, then they can practice those skills that they need to navigate the social world with ease.

So, recognize that your daughter needs to watch for a long time before she joins in, and is easily overwhelmed by big energy.  Don’t enroll her in a preschool class with 30 children!  Arrange smaller play-groups, perhaps with one or two or three other children.  Teach her how she can create a more sheltered space for herself in a busy place.  If you can see that she wants to engage another child but doesn’t quite know how, suggest to her the words she might use.  By practicing social engagement in her zone of proximal development, she’ll become a watchful, thoughtful, engaged little girl.

Warmly,    ~Miss Faith

Getting Dressed in the Morning

Dear Miss Faith,  I wonder if you could give some ideas for me to help my 4yo daughter get dressed in the morning.  She is taking it very slow, and nothing I say or do can seem to speed it up.  My 2yo and I have to wait for her before we all go downstairs for breakfast, and I find I feel angry and powerless.  Another thing is that she has developed a sensitivity to her underclothes, where there’s only one that she’ll wear.  But it’s only for me; for dad or grandma, she’ll wear any of them.  At this point, we’re washing her underwear in the sink each night so she can wear it again the next day. Continue reading

Couch Time for Mom

Dear Miss Faith,  I’ve been feeling extra tired lately because I’m pregnant with #2.  I’ve been working on taking more time for myself and am taking two breaks a day where I drink a glass of water and knit while my daughter (age 2.75) plays.  This used to work fine, but lately every time I sit down with my little cup of water she has a meltdown, often throwing her toys angrily on the floor and demanding that I come help pick them up.  I’m giving her lots of attention at other times of the day, and I don’t ignore her while I’m sitting, either; I often tell her a story while I’m sitting. But somehow it’s not working.  How can we get through this? Continue reading

Next Tele-Class will start June 23rd

Hi All,  I’ve been getting questions about when the next Tele-Class, Joyful Days with Toddlers & Preschoolers, will start, and I’ve finally set the dates.  It will be six Sundays, starting June 23rd.  The last Tele-Class filled up, so don’t wait to sign up if you’ve been thinking about it.

What is a Tele-Class?

We have live classes that take place by Conference Call, where we watch live footage of me interacting with the kids at Rainbow Bridge, pausing frequently for explanations and time for questions.  All calls are recorded in case you miss one, and you can download them to listen again.  There are also readings on each subject, and extra video footage of me singing simple songs and finger-plays that will make your days more playful and enjoyable.  Each week you’ll get an assignment to try out the ideas from that week’s class, and you’ll share your successes and challenges with the rest of the group on our online posting area.  I will respond at least twice a week to answer questions and help brainstorm for your particular challenges, with your kids.

How Can I Find Out More?

Easy!  Just Click Here.

Questions?  Check out the FAQs first, then send me an email.

Is the Tele-Class Worth It?

Here’s what past participants had to say:

“I have never been happier I paid for any training  than this class.  I would encourage all parents to connect with this opportunity to really find joy in life with little ones.  (…)  Miss Faith shares the practical day to day challenges with you and offers unbelievably simple, caring, creative, thoughtful solutions that truly bring joy to my days and to the days I share with children!  Thanks so very much!  Merci!  Gracias!  As many ways as I can say it!”  

“I am so grateful for being able to take this course. Faith you have done an amazing job of putting all this valuable information into such a short course. It has been truly inspiring and reinforced my commitment to be the best, most conscious parent to my beautiful children. No less than they deserve! Thank you again Faith.”

Read More Testimonials Here.

How Much Does it Cost?

The course is $240, or only $175 each if you sign up with a friend.  Spouses can sign up for only $60.

To find out more about the Tele-Class, Click Here.

That’s it for now!

Warmly,    ~Miss Faith

Stay Connected through New Pregnancy

Hello Miss Faith, I have a 2.75yo daughter and I’ve recently found out I’m pregnant again.  Although we have been hoping for a new baby, I can’t shake my feelings of guilt at experiencing all this with someone other than my daughter.  Lately I’ve felt not-so-good, and I’ve been taking more time for myself and I feel that this is causing more distance between my daughter and me as well.  My poor girl seems like she needs to be reeled in, but I just can’t get her somehow.  There must be a different lens to see all this through, but I am stuck and can’t find it. Continue reading

Integrate Your Kids into Adult Activities

Dear Miss Faith,  My husband, two boys (ages 3 and 4.5) and I recently moved into an intentional community where there are no other children.  The other adults are welcoming but generally don’t know what to do, and my boys have started becoming more and more disruptive.  I have turned to a very reactive way of parenting, always getting annoyed and whisking them away from adult activities as they get loud and silly: reverent morning circles, long drawn out meal times, meditative rituals are all ruined.  I want to set my kids up for success and the others have asked me how they can help, but I don’t know how to go about it.  Do you have any ideas on this?  Anything would help. Continue reading