Category Archives: self-care

When You Can’t Pick Him Up

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Dear Miss Faith,  I have an almost-3yo and a 4-month-old.  Since the baby has been born, my older son has been very demanding of me picking him up and carrying him everywhere.  I tried saying “You are a big boy, you don’t need me to carry you,” but that didn’t work.  Then I read that older children need to regress and not be made to feel bad by their parents for doing so, so I’ve been very accommodating since then, even though it’s been physically hard on me.  Well, now I’ve ruptured a disc in my back, and the doctor says I can’t pick him up at all.  How can I gently liberate my son from needing to be held?  I don’t want to make him feel bad, but I really cannot carry him anymore.  This is the WORST thing that could have happened.

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When I’m Low Energy

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Lavender Foot-Baths

When I am in full health, and have gotten enough sleep, I LOVE my time with children.  But when I don’t get enough sleep, or I have a headache, or a cold, or medicine is making me groggy, the amount of energy it takes to care for children just seems beyond my capabilities.  And yet there they are, as rambunctious as ever.



Take Care of Miss Faith Day
On days when I feel wiped out, I implement “Take Care of Miss Faith” days.  I lower the lights.  I pull the curtains.  When the children come in, I tell them in a soft voice, “Today’s gong to be a quiet day.  Today will be a day when YOU take care of ME!”  I lie down on the couch, or in the cozy corner that’s loaded with lambskins and cushions.  The children bring over blankets and silks and ‘tuck me in.’  They bring over the dollies and tuck them in with me.  They bring over books, and we take turns where they read one to me, then I’ll read one to them.  We play the kinderharp.  We brush hair and give lavender foot-baths.  We drink warm chamomile  tea.  Take Care of Miss Faith days are days for snuggling, and they are sweet and soft.  I talk more softly, more slowly than usual.  Things I normally do myself, I ask the children to do for me, and they love to rise to the occasion.

When I first started implementing these days, it was when I had a migraine, or a close relative was seriously ill.  It seemed that the children could sense that I really needed some quiet space, and extra care.  Even the littlest ones were more quiet than usual.  But then I thought, Why not have these days a little more often?  The children are clearly capable of doing it when it’s needed, and they seem to benefit from it as much as I do.  So I started having these “quiet days” more often. If it was a really rainy day, we’d turn it into a quiet day.  If we had a cold snap and we hadn’t been able to play outside in five days, we’d have a quiet day.  If four parents said their kids were grumpy or sleep deprived at drop-off, we’d have a quiet day.  I’d try to do them often enough that the children would remember them, but infrequently enough that they remained unusual and special.  About once a month seemed good.

The reality is that these days still take quite a lot of energy on my part.  I can’t just “check out” and let the kids run things themselves; that tends to result in chaos.  Instead, I have to use my energy to create this cozy, intimate atmosphere.  If a child forgets and becomes loud, I’ll remind them that “today is a quiet day,” and if they can’t tone it down, I’ll say, “if you need to be loud, I’d like you to do it in the other room.  Today is a day where I need quiet around me.”  Because these days are so snuggly and so special, most children would rather tone it down than be left out of the special atmosphere.  But even though they still take energy (I’m still running the show, I’m just running a different show from normal), I find it to be restful and rejuvenating, and the children do, too.  Those who need extra cuddling get as many cuddles as they need, and those who wish they were a little bigger get the chance to stand tall and really help on a whole new level.  And I get to spend significant chunks of time in a semi-horizontal position, drinking tea and having children love all over me.

Warmly,
Miss Faith

Being Your Best Self

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          We all want to be our Best Selves for the children we care for.  Certainly because this would create the best possible environment for our little ones, but also because when we’re our Best Selves, we enjoy our lives more.
          In a perfect world, it seems like we’d be able to be our best selves all the time.  We’d go gracefully through the day, and nothing would faze us.  We’d know when to be firm and when to be flexible, we wouldn’t lose our tempers when our little boy poops in his pants for the fourth day in a row, right when that baby’s supposed to go down for her nap.  We’d be fresh and gracious when our partner gets home from work, and when he asks what we did today, we’d have a list as long as our arm of things we’d accomplished.  Right?

          Well, only maybe.  Actually, I’m going to go ahead and say No, that’s not what Being Your Best Self is about.  Because if that IS what it’s about, what can we do except feel perpetually guilty about not being as good as we imagine that we could or should be?  Instead, let’s put aside this mythical person who never messes up, who doesn’t get annoyed and who never loses their cool.  Instead, let’s make this about us, and who we are, wherever we are right now in our lives. 
So, how do we work on Being Our Best Selves, from where we are right now?
          The first, and perhaps most important piece, is this:  WHAT CHILDREN NEED IS NOT TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS PERFECT AS A ROLE MODEL, BUT TO HAVE SOMEONE WHO IS STRIVING TO BETTER HERSELF (OR HIMSELF).  
          When our children see us striving to be better, they also can strive to be better.  This means making mistakes, then trying to learn from them.  This means having to learn the same lessons over and over again, just like our children do.  That’s part of what it is to be human.  But when we come in with the attitude of, ‘Next time I’ll do better’ that is what can really be life-changing to our children.  This act of striving is a huge piece of Being Our Best Selves for our children.
A mentor of mine told me and a group of women a story about this:  she said that when she was a young mother, she and her husband had wanted things to be perfect for their kids. With this in mind, they never argued in front of their children.  But then when their children grew up and embarked on serious romantic relationships of their own, they thought that if they argued, they had blown the whole relationship, or that it must be a ‘bad’ relationship.  They had never seen their parents disagree on anything, and therefore they had never seen a model of how to argue in a healthy way so that both parties could benefit and grow.
         I’m not saying that it’s a great idea to fight in front of your kids all the time, but what I’m saying is that it’s not only OK to be human, it’s preferable to be human!  Life is full of disappointments and mistakes and times when you don’t do as well as you might have done.  Teaching our children how to recover from mistakes, how to apologize when we don’t handle things well, how to pick up the pieces and keep moving, with the attitude of “Next time I bet I’ll do better,” this is what can truly help our kids, and ourselves.
Warmly,
Miss Faith

Valentine’s Day

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Today is Valentine’s Day, and, even if you don’t read this post until tomorrow or even many months from now, let me suggest that you let today, the day that you read this, be all about love. About love, and about cherishing the relationships that you have in your life.

With young kids in the house, it can be easy to feel frazzled and like you never quite ‘have it together.’ Your hair remains unbrushed, and the house is never as tidy as you wish. So the first stop in this journey of Love is yourself. Tell your toddler that today is a very, very special day, and you’re going to spend all day getting ready. If it’s too late to do it for Valentine’s Day today, do this tomorrow. If you work, do it this Saturday. If you’re married, your spouse will be surprised and extra-pleased to have this come on a day when it’s not expected. Here’s what to do:

Getting the House Ready
Mid-day, spend some serious time making the house special with your toddler. The two of you can tidy up the livingroom and diningroom, can wash the kitchen floors together, and clean up in some way that’s above and beyond what you normally do, clearing off the table in the entryway, or the sideboard, or polishing the table. As you’re doing it, talk with your child about how much Daddy’s going to love to see this when he gets home. If dad doesn’t live with you, simply talk about how much you and your child are going to love this space when you’re done, about how you’re making it special. And then make it extra special by putting a tablecloth on the table, put candles all around the room, and put some flowers or something else that’s beautiful in the center of the table.

Getting Yourself Ready
While your child is taking his afternoon nap, instead of using it as time to catch up on things, use this time to take a bubble bath. Wash your hair, shave your legs (if you shave them!), and when you get out, put on special lotion that you love the scent of, cut your toenails, and do whatever you can do to pamper your body and feel beautiful. At each step, take a moment to appreciate this body of yours. We often forget our bodies, or even try not to pay attention to them, but today, on this day of love, give some love to your very own body.

Getting Your Child Ready
When your little one wakes up from naptime, take a little extra time with him or with her, today. Light a candle to make the space special, and sit on the couch and snuggle together. Brush their hair while he’s sleepily sitting on your lap. Rub his feet with lotion. Tell him how much you love him and how glad you are that he was born into your life. Tell him about how before he was born, you hoped and prayed that you would have a little boy, and you and daddy got ready for him together, and now that he’s here you love him so much. Or, if he was unplanned, tell him about how you were living your life and you didn’t even know that you needed a little boy, but he knew that you needed him. And when he came he was the best surprise you had ever had. Make the story real, so it fits the situation, but also make it a little bit magical, a fairytale.

After he wakes up from nap and has a snack, you can spend the afternoon making Valentines for each person that you love. Decorate them together, and write on each one what you appreciate about that person. Dig deep and go broad, and let your child contribute. These are special letters to let the people in your life know how much you appreciate them.

“Dear Mom, Cedar and I are sitting here together and thinking about how much we love you. We love having you come to visit, and we wish you could visit more often! I love how I know I can call you whenever I need to, and I especially appreciate the support you gave me when things were hard this fall. Cedar loves (ask Cedar what he loves about Grandma and write it down) your big hugs. I want to tell you how much I loved the time you spent here after Cedar was born. Cedar says he loves your dog Brandy. I love how you always tell me what a good mother I am. It means a lot to me. Thank you. Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Getting Ready for Dad
If dad lives with you, then the moment he gets home will be something special. You can warn him that you and your child have been preparing something special for him, or not. When he is on the way home, get ready for him. Dim the lights, light the candles, put on some soft music. When he comes in, greet him with a smile and a kiss. You and your child can give him the Valentines that you made for him that afternoon. Then eat dinner together, and make it as special as possible. Even if the food you’re having is not special, you can make the meal special by eating by candlelight. By keeping soft music on if you don’t usually listen to music during dinner, or by turning the music off if you usually do. If you have special plates or glasses, use them. Have something special to drink, wine if you like that, or sparkling water with a splash of cranberry juice. If dad doesn’t live with you, you can do all of these special things with your child.

Adult Time
Put your child to bed a little early tonight, fifteen minutes or half an hour. Chances are good that he will still sleep to his normal time tomorrow morning. Use the evening to let your partner know how special he or she is to you, and how your life is better for having them in it. If your partner is not present, use the evening to call the important people in your life, your parents, close friends. If they are out celebrating Valentine’s Day themselves, think of how happy they’ll be to come home and hear that message from you. And if you didn’t get the chance for that bubble bath during the afternoon, now’s the time!

Worthy of Imitation

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We all know that young children learn through imitation. Sometimes this is funny, like when a little two-year-old in my care walked up to a big four-year-old boy and said, “Hi Cutie!” Other times it makes us cringe a little bit, seeing our actions or hearing our words come out in miniature.

Although we know that children learn from imitation, the logical conclusion to that absolutely never occurred to me until I did my LifeWays training: that because children learn through imitation, in order to serve them best we must strive to be worthy of imitation.

What does this mean, in practical terms? Well, certainly we need to watch what we say. This one is fairly obvious: when we hear swear words coming from our toddlers’ lips, we realize that we need to restrain ourselves from swearing in front of them. But something that is just as important but perhaps not as obvious is our tone of voice. Do we speak in a warm, welcoming tone of voice, or do we let ourselves get snappy when we feel tired or rushed or annoyed? We can certainly speak firmly while still letting our love shine through, but when we snap angrily at children or at our spouse, it sends a different message. I will never forget a little boy in my care whose father had started working from a home in an office with glass doors. For two weeks, this little boy did nothing but dig angrily in the sandbox. If anyone tried to approach him he would yell at them, “Go away! Can’t you see I’m working?” Parents often have no idea how much of what happens at home comes out in children’s play. Children have no filters at this age; everything they experience soaks in.

Another thing to think about are our daily actions. Children thrive when they see caregivers doing “good work.” By good work I mean practical activities that children can imitate in their play, and eventually can help with or do themselves. Any sort of hobby where you make things (either useful or beautiful) are great for this: sewing, woodworking, mosaic art. And a great source for “good work” is household chores: cooking, cleaning, folding laundry, picking up toys. Set up an environment that allows your child to imitate you: have a miniature broom next to the full-sized broom. When you wipe the table, bring two cloths, and sing a little song while you do it. If your child asks to join in, you’ll already have a cloth ready. Instead of thinking of these things as chores that should be gotten through as quickly as possible, remember that you are a model for imitation in each case. Instead of slapping the plates together to unload the dishwasher, or setting the table as quickly as possible, imagine you were being filmed for each activity.  Think about how you move, how you gesture, the attitude you display when you are doing this activity. Your child is soaking it all in. I love the image from the Disney movie Snow White, where the birds and woodland creatures come in to help her do her housework, and she sings joyfully through the whole thing. Who wouldn’t want to live in a house with a person who moved joyfully through every part of her day? How can we start to become that person?

And thirdly, what are you doing to take care of yourself so that you have the generosity of spirit you need?  Children also benefit when they see that their caregivers have a rich life that doesn’t always include them.

As I move through my day at Rainbow Bridge, I’m very conscious of the fact that everything I say or do will be soaked in and imitated by the children I care for. Some days I do better than others; when I haven’t gotten enough sleep or a little boy poops in his pants for the fourth day in a row, I sometimes am not somebody who I’d like to see anyone imitating. But each day is a new opportunity, and the more I practice, the better I get.
 
Warmly,
Miss Faith