Category Archives: patience

When they Can’t Have what they Want

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Dear Miss Faith, I’m a nanny of two boys, and I’d love your advice on situations like this: The other morning, Joey came down for breakfast and he saw that his dad had put the little brother’s food on a plate that Joey thinks is “his,” and the sight of that triggered a total meltdown. His parents were home (as they often are when I am there) and they assured him that the little brother is just using the plate for this meal, we all share anyway, etc. but Joey wouldn’t have it.. he totally freaked out, started crying, etc. At that point a lot had been said already, we all did our best to slow down, comfort him, connect, distract, etc. but it took a good long time before he calmed down. So yeah, any suggestions in regards to that type of scenario would be much appreciated!! Continue reading →

Independent Play, Part II

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Joyful ToddlersThis is the second segment of a post that got too long.  A mom wrote in asking how to help her son play independently, when he’s used to having her as his main playmate.  I suggested that she alternate times when she pays direct attention to him, with times of ‘being busy.’  I wrote about the types of direct attention in the first blog, which you can find here: http://joyfultoddlers.com/2011/12/independent-play-part-i/

Be “Busy”                                                                  Children love the excitement they get from having your direct attention, whether it’s you telling a story, snuggling with them, or even yelling at them (so be careful of that!).  But having your direct attention all the time is like eating nothing but gravy: it’s too rich.  So what you want to do is to make sure that children have a balanced diet of your attention.  This doesn’t mean ignoring them; that’s simply less gravy. Continue reading →

Foster Patience

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 Our enjoyment of the children in our lives increases dramatically when we teach them how to be patient. Picture two sets of mothers talking together. One has a child who wants his mom to push him on the swing. She tells him that she’s busy talking, and he whines and pulls on her for five minutes until she finally gives in. With the other set of mothers, a little boy wants his mom to play on the teeter-totter with him. She says, “I’m talking to Mary right now; I’ll come over in a few minutes.” He waits patiently until she is done, or goes off to play with something else, checking back periodically to see when she’ll be ready. Who wouldn’t want their child to be more like that second little boy! Many people seem to think that patient children just naturally “come” that way, but in reality, patience is a skill that we can help children learn.
So how do we foster patience in the children we care for? Patience is really about children being able to regulate themselves, and there are several things we can do to help them learn.
Use Ritual
When I first started working with groups toddlers, it seemed like mealtimes were especially hard. No matter how quickly I tried to get everyone seated and get the food out, it seemed like it was never fast enough. They just couldn’t wait, and it seemed to end with a melt-down as often as not. Finally, I took a deep breath and realized that since I couldn’t do it any faster, I needed to change my whole approach. And what I did was to slow down, and infuse the beginnings of meals with ritual. I used song and verse, and I did things in the exact same way each time. I washed children’s hands in the same order. I stopped between tasks and played finger-games with the group. And suddenly, even though the mealtime transition now took at least three times as long as it had before, the children were able to sit quietly and patiently through the whole thing. It was amazing! Ritual helps children to self-regulate (which leads to learning patience) by letting them know exactly where they are in the process.
Tell Them When
Another thing you can do to help children learn patience is to tell them exactly when they will be able to get what they want. Young children’s concept of time is linear, so to tell them “exactly when” is to tell them what will happen between now and then. If a child wants you to help her undress a baby-doll while you’re washing the dishes, you might say, “First I’ll finish washing this pot, then I’ll rinse it, and wipe my hands, and then I will help you with your doll.” If they want you to go upstairs with them but you’re busy paying bills, you might say, “I’m going to finish writing this check, then I’ll put it in the envelope, put a stamp and address on it, and put it by the door. Then I will come upstairs with you.” If, after a moment, she comes back and asks you again, you can say, “I’m done writing the check, and I’ve put it in the envelope. Now I’m putting the stamp and address on it, then I’ll put it by the door, and then I’ll come with you.” You can let her know exactly where you are in the process each time she asks, and this will help her learn patience. When you first start using this technique, keep it very short: “I’ll finish writing the check and then I’ll come up with you.” As they start to learn that you consistently come when you’re done doing what you say you’ll do, they can wait through more and more steps.
I also use this technique in conversation. If I’m talking to another person and a child tries to interrupt, I’ll tell him, “I’m talking to Oma right now. When I finish with her I’ll be ready to listen to you.” With a very young child, or a child who’s new to my program, I’ll just finish my sentence with Oma and then it will be the child’s turn to speak. If they want me to help them with something, I will tell them, “I’ll be able to help you when I’m done with my conversation. You’ll know I’m done when I come into the play-room.” Again, I won’t make a child wait too long. When I come, I’ll acknowledge, “You waited so patiently, and now I’m here to help you!” It’s really important to start small and work your way up, so that a child can rest in the knowledge that if you say you’ll come help in a minute, you really will (they don’t need to remind you again and again). If they’re very impatient, and have to remind me again anyhow, I will acknowledge this, too: “You’re having a hard time waiting, huh? What will you do while you wait? Why don’t you play with the fire-truck until I come?” Or, “Would you like to sit on my lap while I’m finishing up here with Oma?” Then I’ll wrap up my conversation with Oma, and say to the child, “Wow. You waited and waited, and now I’m finally ready.”
And finally, I use this technique when multiple children are attempting to talk to me at once. “First I’ll listen to Ashley, then to to Sonya, and then Chloe.” I always try to make sure that I give each child the turn that I’ve told them they’ll get, although they’ve often forgotten what they were trying to say by then. However, they’re always happy to make up a new story when they’ve gotten my attention! When children feel confident that they’ll get my attention when I say they will, they don’t feel the need to talk over each other, and it’s easier for them to learn to be patient.
Warmly,
Miss Faith

The Value of Saying "No"

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         One thing that dramatically affects how much we enjoy the company of a child is how they react when they ask for something and are told “no.” Being able to handle disappointment gracefully is a very advanced skill, and one that doesn’t necessarily come easily or naturally. Nevertheless, having that skill is something that will really serve these little people as they go through life, and will make our enjoyment of them that much richer. So what can we do as parents and caregivers to help children develop this skill?
Avoiding “No”
          Children under two (or even 2 ½) have very little control over their emotions. So the best thing you can do is to avoid establishing negative patterns of tantrums, whining, etc. that will be hard to break when they’re older. Ironically, one of the best ways to do this is to avoid saying “no” as much as possible. One of your biggest tools in this area will be to have a strong daily rhythm. When kids know exactly how things will go, they are much less likely to resist what’s going on or want something different.
          Even with a strong rhythm in place, however, kids at this age want things all the time that they can’t have. So how can you say “no” without saying “no”? One great way is to say “yes” in imagination, and then take them on an imaginary journey that ends somewhere else. Here’s one example I used with a mom just the other day:
Your little boy wants a toy airplane that his older brother is playing with. He winds up to start throwing a fit. You say to him, “You really want that airplane. You want it RIGHT NOW! You LOVE airplanes, and you hate waiting!” Say it really emphatically, so that he knows you ‘get it.’ You might have to say it a few times. When he’s paying attention to you, you can say, “If I had another airplane, I’d give it to you right now.” (you’re saying yes in your imagination.) “If you had an airplane RIGHT NOW, what would you do with it?” He looks at you quizzically. You go on, “If you had that airplane RIGHT NOW, I bet you’d fly it all around the house. What room would you fly it into?” Pause for a moment to let him think about it, then go on, “I bet you’d fly it into the livingroom. Vrrroooommmm! You’d go around the coffee table, the around the couch. Then you’d fly it past the diningroom table! Vrrooommm!” Continue in this vein, taking him on an imaginary journey until you can tell he’s really into it. Then change the direction slightly. “Then you’d fly it past the cat! Do you think she’d like that?” Pause and watch him, then answer: “No! Kitty doesn’t like airplanes at all! If she saw you going by, she might run away and hide!” Then, “In fact, where is kitty? Do you think she’s hiding in the livingroom right now? Let’s go find her!”
Like I said, this technique takes some work, but the more you practice it, the better you get. If you can use this type of distraction and re-direction, you can limit how often you say “no” to your child. And by the way, with a little finesse, this technique can work with older kids as well. It’s time to leave a play-date at the park and your four-year-old doesn’t want to. “You want to stay here forever? OK!” (saying yes in imagination). “That would be funny! What would you eat for dinner? You could ask the squirrels if they would share their nuts with you! And where would you sleep?” Look around. “I know! You could sleep underneath the tire-swing. You could make a big pile of wood chips and burrow into it, just like a little mouse.” You get the picture.
Saying “No”
          By the time kids are approaching three, they’ve usually figured out what works to get you to change your mind when you say “no.” Maybe throwing tantrums has worked well for them. Maybe if they whine long enough you get tired and give in. Or, they’ll explain and explain why you should change your mind, wearing you down until you do change your mind, or they end up in tears.  So how to establish good habits around reacting to being told “no”?
          I know I go against popular culture here, but I believe that children do not benefit from lengthy discussions of why they can’t have what they want. A simple explanation is fine, but after that it simply draws out the bad feelings of being told “no,” and keeps them from moving on. And in practical terms, it greatly increases the amount of time the two of you spend disagreeing with one another. Helping your child to accept “no” gracefully, and move on, will benefit you both. So how do you do that? Well, if your child is used to lengthy explanations, it will take some time and effort to change that pattern.  Be patient and don’t give up.
          Use Humor. When a child asks for something that they know they can’t have, don’t give them a long explanation about how they know they can’t have cookies before dinner. Don’t even be disapproving. From their perspective, it was worth a try, right? So simply laugh while you say no. “No…..Silly girl!” And give her a smooch.  You don’t even have to remind her that she can have one cookie after dinner, just like always. She knows.
          Be Matter-of-Fact. Kids often take their emotional cues from us, so watch your tone.  When a child asks for a sugar cereal in the grocery store, a cheerful “Nope!” or “Not today,” is surprisingly effective, especially if you follow it up with a comment leading them in a different direction. You don’t need to explain about how sugar cereals are bad for you, how they’ll rot your teeth or give you a tummy ache. The less discussion you give it, the faster they can move on. Note: if you have traditionally changed your mind after pleading or nagging in the past, your child will take awhile to change his response. But if you practice, and are consistent that once you’ve said “not today” you don’t change your mind, your child will learn to accept this without question unless it feels really important to him. I say “not today” at Rainbow Bridge all the time, and the children simply accept it and move on. It is part of our culture there.
          Be Empathetic. Sometimes I’ll say “not today,” and a child will burst into tears. I will immediately stop what I’m doing and take them into my arms. “Wow, you really wanted to do that, huh?” I’ll say. “You thought I’d say yes, but then I said no instead.” They’ll nod tearfully. Now, at this point there’s a huge urge to either 1) explain why they can’t get what they want, 2) bargain with them/bribe them with replacement items, or 3) give in. Put all of those urges on hold, and simply give them some love, instead. “I love you sooo much.” Give a kiss on the top of the head, and start humming a song as you rock back and forth. Stay with them as long as they need, simply pouring in the love without trying to solve anything. They are learning to handle disappointment, and that’s a big task! In a minute or two, they’ll calm down. “Would you like to help me unload the dishwasher?” you might ask.
Warmly,
Miss Faith