Category Archives: housework

Independent Play, Part II

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Joyful ToddlersThis is the second segment of a post that got too long.  A mom wrote in asking how to help her son play independently, when he’s used to having her as his main playmate.  I suggested that she alternate times when she pays direct attention to him, with times of ‘being busy.’  I wrote about the types of direct attention in the first blog, which you can find here: http://joyfultoddlers.com/2011/12/independent-play-part-i/

Be “Busy”                                                                  Children love the excitement they get from having your direct attention, whether it’s you telling a story, snuggling with them, or even yelling at them (so be careful of that!).  But having your direct attention all the time is like eating nothing but gravy: it’s too rich.  So what you want to do is to make sure that children have a balanced diet of your attention.  This doesn’t mean ignoring them; that’s simply less gravy. Continue reading →

Young Kids and Chores

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Dear Miss Faith,

Can you talk a little bit more about responsibilities/expectations/chores for 2-3 year olds?  How do you go about incorporating young kids into household tasks, self-care, etc?  What can you reasonably expect at different ages?  When do you institute mandatory chores?
                                             -E.N.
Dear E.,
These are great questions!  As you know if you’ve read just about anything I’ve written, I’m a huge proponent of incorporating kids of all ages into household tasks.  First I’ll talk about why I think it’s so great to do, and then I’ll talk about age-appropriate expectations.
Why Household Tasks are Great for Kids

Continue reading →

Luring Kids into Helping

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This is a response that I wrote to a mom in my teleclass who was inspired to fold laundry with her four-year-old daughter, only to discover that her daughter wasn’t interested.  I believe that allowing children to help with housework can be wonderful for both of you, if it helps you and your child feel connected, if it allows them to develop competence, and enables them to feel like they’re contributing.  Most children love to help whenever they’re allowed to, but if your child is accustomed to you doing it on your own, they may not jump right in when giving the opportunity.  If that happens, then it’s time to concentrate heavily on the connecting aspect, so they really enjoy doing it with you.  Here was a suggestion I gave: 

Dear Mom,
Don’t be discouraged that your daughter didn’t jump right in.  If she’s used to not doing it with you, it may take awhile for her to warm up to it.  And I bet that just having you doing it so calmly and lovingly is still nurturing to her, even if she doesn’t participate.  One thing you could do if you WANT her to help is to “lure” her in by making it into a real connecting activity.  Since she loves puppet shows, you might do this by telling a story while you fold laundry, something that she will really enjoy.  At first she might just sit near you while you fold and tell the story, and eventually she might want to help as well.  A slightly different take might be to make the act of folding really enjoyable, and incorporate it into a type of puppet show of its own.  It might go something like this:

“Once upon a time, there was a little mouse.”  (take one of the baby’s socks and make it into a little mouse scurrying along the ground. “That mouse lived in a house where there was LOTS of laundry to be done!  He loved living in that house because there were always lots and lots of places for him to hide.”  (Have your mouse scurry from unfolded thing to unfolded thing.)  “In this same house there also lived a cat!  He loved to chase the mouse, but he couldn’t find him
when he hid under laundry that wasn’t folded. (Make a cat with a slightly larger piece of laundry that you roll up into a log.  Have the cat chase the mouse around, but the mouse always manages to hide.)

“One day, the cat had a great idea.  What if he could fold the laundry, so that the mouse had nowhere to hide?  He was very excited by this idea, but how could he do it?  Cats can’t fold laundry!  He tried, and he tried, but he couldn’t do it right.” (Have the cat try and fail.)  “‘I know,’ said the cat.  ‘I need someone with hands who will help me.’  He looked around for someone who could help.  First he went to the baby to ask for help.”  (He goes over to the baby.) “‘Will you help me fold the laundry so I can catch the mouse?’ He asks.  But the baby is too little, and doesn’t know how to fold laundry.  Then he went to the mother.  ‘Will you help me fold the laundry so I can catch the mouse?’  ‘Yes,’ said the mother, and she folded a washcloth.”  (fold a washcloth that the mouse is hiding under, and have the mouse run away to another piece of laundry that’s not folded.  The cat runs after him, but he doesn’t get there in time.)  “Oh no!  The cat chased the mouse, but he wasn’t fast enough! He looked around to see if there was anyone else who might help him by folding a piece of laundry.  There he saw a little girl.”  (…)

You get the idea.  You and your daughter can alternate folding the laundry while the cat and the mouse run back and forth, until all of the laundry is folded.  You will have to decide if the cat gets to catch the mouse at the end, or if the mouse escapes, to be chased another day.  As time goes on, your daughter might want to control the mouse as he runs, or the cat (although it might be too hard to resist catching the mouse before the laundry is done).  At any rate, you don’t have to use that story, but the idea is to make your task SO fun, that it’s what she wants to be doing, and it’s all about the two
of you connecting and having a good time together.  And, unlike a normal puppet show, the laundry gets folded at the end of this one!



Warmly,
Miss Faith

Daily Rhythm

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          Having a strong rhythm to your day helps your day go more smoothly and more enjoyably for you and for your kids.  Every teacher and daycare provider knows this, because if they don’t have a strong rhythm, everything turns into mayhem!  But for parents, it can be much harder to see the benefits of the work it takes to establish a rhythm.  Many parents kind of limp along, not enjoying their days but making it through.  I had one family with a 3 1/2 year old boy, and the parents complained about how strong-willed and stubborn he was. When I tried to suggest  that rhythm would make their lives easier, they only saw it as limiting and constraining.  As a result, they spent a lot of time ‘convincing’ their son that it was time to do this or that.  Then they visited a brother and sister-in-law with three children, and a strong routine.  Their son fell into this other family’s rhythm without a peep.  Suddenly he went from being contentious at every turn, to being easygoing and go-with-the-flow.  They could hardly believe it! They came back from vacation raving about their experience, and determined to set up rhythms in their own home.  But how does one go about getting started on something like that?
Anchor Points

          If you’re just working to create rhythm, start with your ‘anchor points.’  The anchor points of rhythm are sleeping and eating.  Be aware that these are the anchors of your day, and do your best to have them be as regular as possible.  For example, it can be tempting to push naptime back if your child doesn’t seem sleepy and you could just swing by the post-office on the way home from the grocery store…but try to resist the impulse.  The more regular you are with naptimes and bedtimes, the more your child’s rhythms will ‘set’ to those times, and the easier it will be to get him down.  Same with meals!  Another anchor point in your day should be going outside together, to play in the yard, take a walk, or go to the park.  Morning is the best time
for this, as kids have lots of big energy in the morning.  So try and make going outside every morning part of your routine. If you have a high-energy kid, go outside in the afternoon as well.  
          Next, think about the beginning and end of each anchor point.  The more you can set up little rituals (doing things the same way each time), the stronger your rhythm will be.  So for instance, you might take five minutes whenever he wakes up to sit with him in a cozy spot and snuggle with him and brush his hair, then go straight to the table for a snack.  If he’s not hungry right upon waking, you could get dressed first.  Some kids do best eating right away or they get grumpy, some kids wake up more slowly.  But whatever you do, do it as regularly as possible.
          Third, incorporate songs and nursery rhymes into your rhythm. Children love knowing how things go, and having a certain song that’s associated with a certain activity can let your child know exactly
where things are at.  You don’t have to have a great singing voice; they will love it no matter what!  So, give it some thought.  You might say rhythmically, “Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross to see what dear Alex will buy…A penny white bun and a penny white cake, and a two-penny apple pie” whenever it’s time to go to the table for meal or a snack.  You might say, “Shoe a little horse!  Shoe a little mare!  But little Stephie’s feet go bare-bare-bare!  No…(shake your head)…where ARE your shoes?” every time it’s time to get shoes on.  You might make up a little song for getting dressed in the morning, to the tune of “The Farmer In the Dell:”  ”One arm in the hole, the other arm in the hole, then your head goes in the hole and now you have your shirt!”  Then pants, then socks, etc.  Make up your own words to any tune you know, but sing them the same every time you do it, and your children will feel secure that they know how things go.  One great resource for songs and rhymes like these is the book/cd combo “Sing A Song With Baby,” available here.


One Sample Day
So, if you just start with those pieces, you’re well on your way to having a solid rhythm going.  Eventually, your day might look something like this: 
You hear him stirring, and you walk into his room, singing softly: ”good morning, good morning, good morning dear Alex.”  You pick him up and say, “Hi, sleepy-head!  Did you have a good sleep?”  Take him
downstairs and pick up his brush, then sit in your special chair and brush his hair.  After a few minutes, take him to the kitchen, saying ”Ride a cock-horse to Banbury Cross….” and put him in his chair, getting him some
breakfast.  After breakfast, get dressed together, then come downstairs and get shoes and jacket on and go straight outside for at least half an hour, but preferably more like an hour.  If you have a high-energy kid, go on a 15-20 minute walk around your neighborhood, having your child run from one ‘station’ to the next:  ”OK, the next station will be the fire hydrant.  Ready, Steady, Go!!!!”  Then he has to stay touching the fire hydrant until you arrive, and tell him the next one.  After outdoor play, have a little snack (outside if the weather is nice) and get into the car and run whatever errands you have that day.  Come back home and eat a hearty lunch, then do some quiet housework together, washing the breakfast and lunch dishes, folding the laundry, etc. until it’s time for nap.  During naptime either nap with him, or make your phone calls and do your computer work, as these are things that it’s hard for kids to tolerate much of.  After nap you brush his hair and give him a snack, then let him play while you’re doing your own things that you can stop-and-start (paying bills, checking email, etc.).  You check in and out with him as he needs, being able to put down whatever you’re doing for a few minutes to play peekaboo one time, read a story another time, always being available, but always being drawn back to your tasks.  When you can tell he needs more than just a minute or two of interaction, put aside your work and spend 15-30 minutes doing some sort of activity with him: coloring, baking, going outside again if the weather is nice.  Come back in and have another snack if needed, then start getting the dinnertime meal ready, talking to him and interacting with him as you do, giving him
nibbles of things, or just letting him play on his own if he wishes. Dad comes home, spends a little time unwinding, and the three of you eat dinner together.  After dinner you and baby, or dad and baby, head upstairs for a bath, then put on pajamas, brush teeth, and dad comes up to read a story and tuck him in.   Sleep tight! 


Extra Tips
          Think about the non-kid-activities you have during the day, and how to weave them in most successfully.  Try running errands in the morning when he has lots of energy, but after outside play so he’s already gotten to run alot.  Make your phone calls while he’s sleeping, because it’s hard for kids to have attention away from them for so long.  Do your desk-work in the afternoons while he’s happy to play
quietly while you’re around, and can pay him attention as needed. Afternoons are also a nice time for household chores, if you can save your desk-work for after he’s in bed.  If you do the same sorts of
tasks in the same parts of the day, your son will start knowing that that’s how it goes, and everything can go that much more smoothly. Now, it might be that your son doesn’t do well running errands in the morning, because he needs to be more physically active then.  Maybe he does better in the afternoons.  But maybe he doesn’t do so well in the afternoons, because he needs quiet space and to not feel rushed.  You
will have to figure out what is best for you and your kids.  Enjoy!


Warmly,
Miss Faith 

Practical Tips on "Life"

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 So what can we do, as parents and caregivers, to ensure that these household tasks foster connection, foster competence, and foster the children’s ability to contribute? What can we do to help tasks go smoothly, so that we don’t feel frazzled as we try to incorporate children into the neverending tasks of housework? It turns out there are lots of things we can do:
  1. Slow Down! Take your time with each task. Make each task an activity that’s worthwhile for its own sake, taking special care with the daily tasks. Approach each one with respect and enjoyment. When you rush, children tend to steer clear and try to stay out of your way, or they try to pull your attention away from your task and onto them, to get you to stop rushing. When you slow down and take your time, you have enough attention for the task and the child at the same time, and children will want to join in with you.
  2. Develop a rhythm. By rhythm, I mean to do things in the same way, at the same time, as often as you can. I fold laundry each day during free-play time. It gives me something to do so that I can be present and watch children play without being directly involved unless I’m needed. And I love to brush the children’s hair after naptime. What a lovely way to bond with each child as we engage in bodily care.  Children are used to me doing these tasks at these times; it’s an accepted part of our lives together.
    The other piece of rhythm is that when we do things the same way each time, children can learn that skill. Children learn through imitation. If you have any doubts on this score, read this article from Science Daily, titled “Humans Appear to Be Hardwired to Learn By ‘Over-Imitation.’” What it shows is that children do things the way we do them. Even if we tell them to do it differently, they will still do things the way we do them. So think carefully about HOW you’re doing things, the attitude that you bring to each activity. This attitude is picked up by the children as well.
  3. Use songs. Songs are a great way to connect with children, and they are also a great way to help kids track where in the process you are. I have a song for washing the table, for sweeping the floor, for folding the laundry. I also use songs for repetitive tasks like passing things out to each child, or if we’re taking turns stirring the bowl, etc., each child gets to stir for the duration of a short song.  In addition, I’ll also hum while I am doing a task by myself. I find that when I hum I slow down myself, and the children all around me settle down. I think when they hear me humming, they feel like I’m right there with them, even if I’m not looking at them or interacting with them. It allows my presence to fill the room and children can rest secure that I’m there with them and not distracted by other things.  You don’t have to be a “good” singer for this to feel fulfilling for children.
  4. Set yourself up for success. By this I mean, figure out how kids can be involved, and be prepared. Most of the tasks I do while the children are playing, and children can join me or not, as they choose (although if a child is having trouble being gentle with others, we’ll find some good work for those hands to do and they stay by my side until they are ready to try being gentle again). But when I go to wash a table, I’ll bring two extra washcloths with me, and as I start to sing my table-washing song, children might come over and ask to help, and I have a cloth right there. Other tasks I know will be very popular, such as baking, so I gather all of the materials together before we get started, so that things can go smoothly. Another thing that helps things go smoothly, especially if you’re alone, is to have an easy exit. If you and another child are washing dishes together but a tussle breaks out in the play-room, I’ll lift the child down from the sink, pull the chair away, and ask them to sit on the chair until I get back.
  5. Appreciate effort over results. Young children are process-oriented, not results-oriented. While washing dishes, a two-and-a-half year old will often happily wash the same spoon the entire time you’re washing dishes. When we appreciate their effort and acknowledge their desire to contribute, then the activity feels fulfilling for the young child.  Be sincere and genuine with your praise, and don’t over-do it. An appreciative smile with eye contact during the act, and a “Thank you for your help” when they run off to play, can be quite enough.  The results will come over time.  
           Appreciating effort over results doesn’t mean just letting them do whatever they want, however they want. They are learning these tasks at your side. So if your two-year-old wants to throw the laundry around instead of folding it, you can show him how to help you smooth each piece as you fold it. Only fold a little bit of laundry at a time, so that you can finish each bit together, then put them out of the way so the task won’t be undone. With practice, he’ll get the hang of it, and so will you!   

What I mean by "Life"

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In my last post I talked about Life As the Curriculum, and why children really feel fulfilled by helping with household tasks.  So what do I mean by “Life?” There are several layers of “Life” as I see it, that combine to form a rich day (and a rich life!) if they are done with attention, reverence, and spaciousness:

  1. Daily Tasks. These include preparing meals, setting the table, cleaning up from meals, sweeping the floors, washing the dishes, making your beds after naptime, etc. In addition to these, there are the tasks of self-care that make up a big part of “life:” dressing and undressing, brushing hair and teeth, diapering and pottying. We can use these times of bodily care not just as tasks to be done, but as special times to connect, and to allow children to gain competence. When they are able to do them alone, they will be contributing in a very real way. I love to brush the children’s hair when they wake up from their nap. I make it very sweet and special, and everyone looks forward to it. I had one little girl who was with me for two years, and when her family moved away her mother said with real regret, “I think the thing I will miss the most is your hair-brushing.”
  2. Weekly Tasks. Depending on how many children you care for, laundry might be daily, weekly, or twice-weekly. Baking (either bread or muffins) is a lovely weekly task. Fridays are nice for ‘cleaning day’ where you can wash the windows together, ‘mop’ the kitchen floors with damp rags, shine wooden toys and furniture with beeswax wood polish, sort through any piles of stuff like lost-and-found clothing, etc. I have a basket where I’ll put any broken toys I find, and every third or fourth friday I’ll bring it down and see what I can fix.
  3. Seasonal Tasks. This is the part of “Life” that I love the most, and it’s what keeps me from getting bored with life as the curriculum. Seasonal tasks often center around food and holidays, although not exclusively. Springtime tasks might include preparing the garden and planting the seeds, fixing or replacing any outdoor toys that didn’t make it through the winter, planting wheat grass indoors and decorating eggs if you celebrate easter, making gifts for Mother’s Day (this can take quite awhile and be a task that you work on most days over a period of time). Stories about the plants and the animals experiencing Spring are soaked right up, especially as you start to notice birds building their nests, and the squirrels playing with renewed vigor. In the summertime we start to see the fruits of our labors in the garden. We make grape juice from the grapes, collect plums and make them into jam (we cooked them and strained them together, but I did the canning in the evening after everyone was gone), and did lots of other things. Each season has its own activities.
  4. Making Things. Making things that you’ll use is a great part of “Life” for children. Often these are tasks that children simply watch, but you’ll see it come out in their play again and again. For instance, one winter I crocheted a dozen bibs so we’d have enough between loads of laundry. And when the latch on our fence broke, I got a board which the bigger kids and I sawed in half together, then everyone got to help sand it, and a few lucky kids got to help paint them a rich blue. They watched as I painted silver stars on myself, then sealed it, screwed the new latch on, and then we attached it to the gate. The whole process took about a week, and at the end we had a beautiful new latch for our gate which the children and I were both proud of. These practical activities are “Life” at its best for young children!