Category Archives: bullying

hitting smaller children

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Hi Miss Faith,
First, congratulations. I hope you and your partner had a great honeymoon. I didn’t change my last name until I was 3 years into marriage (I didn’t think I ever was going to change it, but had a change of heart).
               In any case, we’re having challenges with my 2 1/2 year old being physically aggressive with her peers. Sometimes it’s ‘out of nowhere’ which makes it all the more baffling. In other words, I understand more when she grabs, pushes, pinches, etc. to get something, but am worried about where it’s coming from (even when the cause is evident). She doesn’t do this with older children (even slightly older). She is very verbal (and did this before she was verbal – I saw your post about that) and has always been on the higher energy side. She didn’t do any of it this summer (despite ample opportunity) but now has started up again, even pushing babies down, etc.! Any tips or insight is appreciated!
                                                                       -Jennifer
Hi Jennifer,
              While most toddlers love ‘babies,’ I have had several children who were naturally aggressive to children who were smaller than they were, and their moms (and I) had to work extra hard with those children as they learned impulse control.  My heart goes out to you!  Don’t worry too much about “where this is coming from.”  She is not destined to grow up to be a bully, and nor is it necessarily a commentary on your parenting.  I firmly believe that some children come into the world timid, and some come in with guns blazing; it’s our role as parents and caregivers to help all of them learn behavior skills that will serve them well as they interact with others.  That being said, it’s worth asking the basic questions:  Does she have a regular routine and consistent boundaries so that she knows what is coming up next and what’s expected?  Does she have a nurturing home environment (you aren’t remodeling your house, are you?) and get lots of loving attention from you (no new baby in the family)?  If these things aren’t as strong as they could be, then do put some attention into them.  
               My main long-term suggestion is to help your little girl develop the virtue of Empathy.  2 ½ is a great age to start working on this, as it’s the age when children first start to really be able to live in to someone else’s experiences.  Here are a few ways you can help her as she begins this process:
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Bullying/Sibling Rivalry

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Dear Miss Faith,
 I am looking for suggestions to help with some fairly severe sibling rivalry. This is a preschool-aged old boy towards his young-toddler sister, in a family which I visit with regularly and care about deeply.  Thank you, M.
Dear M,
          How frustrating for you to see two children you care about being unkind!  Kudos to you for looking to take some action to help this family.  When you are with the children, are the parents present or not present?  Are they at your house, or are you at their house?  These things will all come into play.  One book I like a lot is “Siblings Without Rivalry” by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.  Is it possible for mom (and/or you) to spend some time with each child alone every few days or at least each week? 
          For short-term strategy, here are some ideas; you can announce one day that there is a new rule in your house: everyone must touch with gentle hands.  Show everyone what touching with gentle hands means (at Rainbow Bridge it means kind of stroking your friends on the arm), and have everyone practice.  ”Yes, that’s it!  Now you know how to touch with gentle hands!”  Notice out loud anytime you see someone touching someone else gently.  And if anyone forgets to touch with gentle hands, show sadness that they forgot, and send them immediately to get the Healing Stone (or the Healing Cloth, or an ice pack, or whatever you wish; keep it in a special place that only comes out when someone gets hurt), and touch it to the child who is hurt.  Then find some good work for those hands: tidying some blocks, wiping the table, etc.  You do this “good work” with him, then thank him for his help, give him a hug, and he can go play again.  It’s not a punishment, it’s just helping him learn what is appropriate to do with his hands.

           In long-term strategy, you want to be calling out the archetype of the Knight in this little boy:  someone who is strong and good, and who helps those who are weaker than he is.  You might start telling a story about a boy who wants to be a knight when he grows up, but nobody thinks he could be.  But he knows he can do it.  He starts exploring what a knight is like, and doing all the things a knight does.  First he works to become very strong, then he starts to rescue people and animals who needed help, and finally he starts to help all those who are smaller and weaker than he is.  Everyone starts to wonder at the changes that have come.  Maybe he could become a knight after all!  Then one day when he’s helping someone, the King happens to see it, and he calls the boy to him and honors him, and makes him into a Knight-in-Training.  You could either do this as one story that you tell again and again, or you could make it an ongoing story, that starts out the same way each time (introducing the boy and his desires) and telling a different “adventure” each time of how he helps someone, and this could go on for several months before the King ever notices him.
           In the meantime, start asking more from this little boy, and call out the best in him.  Ask him to help you with things, then ask him to do tasks for you while your hands are full but you’re watching, and finally start asking him to help other children when the children ask you for help.  Notice how strong he is, how helpful he is, and start appreciating those traits in him.  If he starts having a new image to live into, he might be able to start moving away from being the Bad Big Brother who everyone is angry at all the time.
           It can be so hard to turn things around when we get stuck in negative patterns, so be patient and tenacious.  And good luck!
Warmly,
Faith